I realize I am often writing (and sharing) the parts of my story that hurt and seem like they hurt. They did/do hurt, but I’m not always hurting. Even though I said I’m “in this phase” of waking up feeling I’m a victim of my body chemistry, I’m feeling pretty good overall. Especially comparatively to this time last year. I really am okay and better than okay many days. And that’s partly because I am learning soooo much about myself. I have been putting in some serious self-love, self-discovery, self-accountability WORK. I know which habits are working for me and which brings me back into a place where I sink into a dark hole. I’m learning the warning signs before it completely takes over. I know how to redirect it in a few days. And looking back at that makes me feel GOOD. I’m proud of myself for that commitment to try to do the work.
I don’t share these things to paint a picture that I’m always in struggle. I’m not. I write and share these things because I so badly want people to be/speak/write genuinely. But not against their will. I want them to feel supported and witnessed and comfortable speaking what is true for them in any given moment. That’s all in an ideal world that maybe we do not exist in. But I believe we can create moments of that ideal place amongst one another.
I think the act of expressing what is true for you in any moment is more confusing or taboo or scary in these times of the digital age. Everyone’s social media photos look so beautiful and seem so happy and easy. The whole world is NOT so beautiful and happy and easy. But those moments captured in the flash of a camera probably are. And that’s great and I love it.
I love pretty pictures. But even more, I love those pretty pictures paired with raw words or real stories. Pretty pictures with soul behind it. I remember the first time I shared something that felt seriously vulnerable on the Internet and thinking “um what am I doing and why?”. I still have times when I write something and then literally close my eyes as I click “post” or “share”. What I believe now: IT IS important. And maybe someone needs it. Maybe only I need it? For whatever reason it may be, I’m here for it anyway.