This guy. This guy and his HEART. Man, am I so happy for the regular reminder that humans like this exist on this planet.
Last night Victor asked me if I wanted to go to sleep. I told him no, but that he could and should for work in the morning. After turning off the lights and laying in bed for a moment, he asked me what I was doing. I told him nothing in particular, I just wanted to stare off around the room and just be awake. I told him about how I’m in one of those phases where it sucks to wake up in the morning. It’s not terrible, but it feels like hard work. I wake up anxious or deeply sad or worried or SOMETHING, and I usually spend the entire day putting in some serious work to turn my day around. I meditate, I write, I go in the sun, I go to the beach, I hike, I meet up with friends for tea, I call a loved one. I desperately go through my list of “do more of what you love” until I feel that anxiety/sadness/funk is gone.
Yesterday I did that. I woke up slow and anxious. Anxious for nothing. Which is often what it feels like. But I showered. I got dressed. I met a friend for a lunch on a beautiful patio on this early summer day. I went home and I wrote and I sang in my van. I visited my mom. We walked my dog. We talked. Somewhere in that laundry list, I crept my way out of that default anxiety and felt better. I got my inspiration and motivation back.
I told Victor I didn’t want to sleep yet because I was enjoying feeling okay, and more than okay. I knew in the morning, the battle of tricking my body and mind out of the default funk would be back. I’m used to it by now. But I still always wish to wake up feeling fresh and light and new.
I didn’t have to tell him all these details though. With that one short sentence of not wanting to go to sleep because I don’t want to wake up, he knew it all. He watches me and listens to me and sends me so much love as he continues living his own daily life. He witnesses me often without me even noticing.
I laid there silently in the dark, thinking he had gone to sleep. He spoke up and said: “Hey. I want you to know that I’m proud of you. You’re a fighter and you have been a fighter and you’re doing a good fucking job”. He continued to remind me of how he’s watched me fight and move through all the layers of shit in the past 1+ year he’s known me. He told me that I always show up. I always TRY something. Even when I feel like it’s failing and not good enough, he said I make a relentless effort to make it better no matter what. He told me he sees me lift others up when I am down and he sees it lifts me up too and that it’s powerful. He told me how happy he is to support me because of all the support he has felt from me. And he went on with this speech-in-the-dark for 10 minutes. And I cried while he spoke.
What I see in those moments is me, stuck and confused, and trying my best to navigate. What he sees is a warrior who is doing great things in the world even when she won’t acknowledge it.
This guy. He came into my life during the crux of the most suffering I have ever endured. And he was SO patient. So loving. So present.
I cried as he spoke to me because I feel so. fuhreakin. happy to know that past me, present me, and future me gets to heal with this literal angel supporting me every step of the way. I used to silently judge or try to stifle my tears. But with humans like this, my tears feel like I’m releasing all that sadness and anxiety and worry. Drop by drop. And this morning, I feel better. I woke up ready for the day. Feeling light. Tears ARE healing.
I think we’re all that kind of angel to more people than we know. And that we can continue to keep spreading that kind of unconditional and loving support to even more when we’re willing to be just a smidge more vulnerable ❤️